An American working as a contractor for the US military in Afghanistan arrived here at our retreat center for a vacation. We were imagining him like a rather tough-looking military guy, but he was a man in his late forties who looked very ordinary, the typical “guy next door”.
He told us about his work there in Afghanistan and what it was like for him personally. He was friendly but underneath we could feel his tension and a wall of protection. He confirmed this when he said; “I’m always on alert. I can never relax there. I always have the feeling I am in an enemy environment. Even though I am in a walled military compound, supposedly protected and safe, I can never sleep at peace. I sleep with my clothes on, because an attack could come at any moment.”
Being here in a safe and friendly environment, and having a loving time with his wife, he was able to relax. After a few days his face started to change. A metamorphosis happened.
Towards the end of his stay we were surprised when he said he was eager to go back. “If I stay here any longer I’ll never be able to handle being back there. I’d rather relax only a bit so I can toughen up easily again.” His wife commented, half-jokingly and half-serious, that he can only take a safe and loving space for a short time before it gets too dangerous!
What we saw was that both were true. He needed to protect himself being over there by putting on a protective shield. Being here was so good for him to relax those walls, but he felt if he relaxed too much he would be too vulnerable upon arriving back there. His wife’s comment was astute; letting his walls down and letting himself be touched was both wonderful and overwhelming to him. He could only take it in small doses before the vulnerability became too much and his defenses wanted to reassert themselves.
Her comment indicated that even without him being in a war zone, his pattern was to only let his defenses down for a short time before he would find an excuse to put them up again. This man showed us a core truth about human nature – that we are all vulnerable.
No matter how tough, strong or “above it all” one appears on the surface, underneath everyone is vulnerable. We are touched by everything around us.
